I have struggled with deciding whether I would actually post this to the blog or not.  Of course, if you are reading it, then obviously, I decided to go ahead and post it.  I feel like I must say this first though- I know several people struggling with infertility/trying to conceive and I don't want to seem ungrateful for the gift of motherhood.  It is a gift- the sleepless nights, the pregnancy pain, heartburn, messy EVERYTHING-- a gift I know anyone who desperately wants a child would gladly accept if it meant a child.  This post is meant for new moms- first time moms- and to anyone else who follows my facebook or instagram.  I also am not trying to scare any FTM but I am very thankful someone told me how hard it was going to be.  They told me some of the thoughts I might have and that it was ok.  I didn't really understand it until I was going through it, but when I started to feel like she said I might- I was encouraged that there wasn't anything wrong with me.  And I am happy to say that now, I am SO thrilled with every moment of the day and I can truly say that I AM loving this time with her.  I love being a mom and I am feeling more and more confident each day at being a mom.  So, here goes....

Parenthood- or better yet- Momhood:

I recently saw a link on facebook to an article titled, "Stop Instagram-ing Your Perfect Life" or something to that effect.  I debated this idea in my head for awhile and though, well, yeah- I totally get it.  When I read someone else's blog or see their pictures or look at ANYTHING on pinterest, sometimes I can compare my life and either be jealous or not feel good enough.  But then I started looking at what I was posting-- I wasn't trying to hide the "real" parts, because the fun pics and smiling pics are real too.  If I have a choice of a screaming baby pic and a smiling pic (which were probably taken 5 seconds apart- ha!) then of course I will pic the smiling baby pic!  I think it comes down to a personal choice of what parts I want to be remembered so to say.  Believe me, I have LOTS of the not so smily pics.  Here are some examples:

So, while I may have posted these on my blog/facebook/instagram....








There was also.....










I also thought about the first few weeks at home (which I will be writing about further down) and how hard they were.  I would look at facebook pics of friends and family who had babies just a bit older than Emily Anne.  It was encouraging when I saw their "perfect life" because it let me know that yes, smiles and laughs were coming (for both of us- ha!).  So, I really appreciated seeing this.  If I had seen the "real life" pics (again, I actually consider them all real life), I would have thought- seriously- this tough part never ends?!?!

Ok- "real life":

The first few weeks are hard.  Not hard as in- man, this test is going to be hard, but as in HARD- THERE IS ANOTHER HUMAN BEING THAT IS DEPENDENT ON ME FOR ITS SURVIVAL HARD.  I never really understood when people would say, I can't believe they let me leave the hospital with a baby.  Now I was saying it.  I read some books but they cannot truly prepare you for what is coming.  You suddenly have this infant that needs you 24 hours a day.  They don't care that you haven't eaten in 12 hours or haven't gone to the bathroom either.  Nope, they need you.  And you can forget showering.  And makeup.  And anything but yoga pants and a t-shirt (that probably smells like spit-up/old milk- gross I know, but its true).  Oh, and forget about moving around your house-- where you nurse becomes your chair/table/bed.  I felt like I didn't move for 3 weeks.  The sofa became my world- and thats tough.  Huge lesson in selflessness-- and boy was I selfish.  First of all, I have a wonderful husband who did (and truly continues to) treat me as a queen.  So, while in marriage you need to put the other first, I think I allowed Keenan to put me first more.  Then, there was cancer.  I was treated like a queen by EVERYONE-- for a very long time.  I remember that being an adjustment for after.  NOT being the center of attention and trying to figure out where I belonged in different friend/ social groups.  It was hard- but I think I was still pretty selfish.

Then, you have a kid.  I think I am finally learning the "die to self" idea or at least beginning to.  Sadly it has taken me so long, but its finally starting to stick.  So, I think the "hard weeks" are probably different lengths for different people.  I had a friend warn me that the first 2 weeks were horrible and I think even if you are completely selfless (impossible but maybe close!), then maybe it would just be hard adjusting but maybe it was hard for me for so long because of how selfish I actually was.  (I am not trying to be hard on myself, just offering some honest-- and with no proof!- opinions on ME!)  The first 3 weeks were really rough and even as I started to feel more confident in my ability to have a child depend on me, I peaked around 5 weeks thinking, yeah- I am ready to go back to school.  I think I might rather be there than trying to do this.  There's some honesty for you!  And anyone who is in public education right now knows things must have been really hard for me if I wanted to come back before my leave with my baby was up!  There were even times within those 5 weeks where I thought, Oh my goodness, I seriously can't do this!  I really can't.  What were we thinking having a baby????

Why is it so hard??  Obviously, I think most of it is that you truly have to put another's needs before you-- 24 hours a day.  There are some other reasons too, though.  The next biggest one being- sleep.  Or rather- lack of sleep.  Everyone says to sleep when the baby sleeps, don't do laundry, don't clean the house...you know, all that can wait, right?  Of course it can, until you run out of clothes to wear because they are all covered in spit up or poop!  I did very little housework the first few weeks and I STILL couldn't sleep when the baby slept.  I tried, I really did, its just still hard.  Babies are LOUD!  And not just their crying.  When they are asleep, they are constantly making noises and so I would constantly be thinking, Is she waking up now?  Or, babies do wake up a lot.  And sometimes they need some help to keep sleeping.  So, not much sleep at all in the beginning.  So, lets look back over this: no sleep, no showers, no clean clothes, no going out, not much eating--- hard times.  You begin to run on below empty and that is really hard.  And on top of all that going on with you- there is a baby that has to be fed, changed, re-clothed, rocked, cuddled, sang to, played with, etc.

Another thing that I really did not know ANYTHING about was breastfeeding.  I read about it some, but I just figured that it was an easy thing.  She would be born, I would get her and it would just happen naturally.  I think it might for some people-- not for me though!  EA ended up going to the NICU for a small fever for a few days and we were informed there she had lost too much weight as well.  So, they had me on a strict regiment of feed her (hard!), pump myself to get my milk to come in and Keenan would give her supplement.  Also, while I was feeding her, we had to use a syringe to supplement to help encourage her sucking.  She was not a natural eater.  We had to do some training so that was really tough.  And I had to do training.  I ended up with some bruises even- ha!  They gave me a nipple shield to use (kind of controversial) but all I can say is Thank you Lord!!  It gave me some confidence and helped her learn how to eat.  Yes we still use it and yes I would like to get off of it and she just can't yet, but she gets plenty of food and is in the 95th percentile for weight so I can't complain too much!

With the beginning problems of breastfeeding, I was not very confident in my ability to feed her.  I can't see it leave me and go into her so I didn't know if she was getting what she needed.  Also, because of all the supplementing at the hospital, she gainer her birth weight back and a little extra by the day we left (our first ped. appointment) so he did not make us come back until her 2 month appointment.  In the first few weeks I was so unsure of whether she was getting enough or not because I thought she was getting enough in the beginning, but obviously not!  Around week 3, I realized she was gaining weight (we don't have a scale) so she must be doing ok.  And, after we started to figure out her cries and things like when her fussy times are, I realized that yes, she is getting food.

So, no sleep and not being sure if you are sustaining the life you are supposed to be sustaining- tough.  Then, if people came over or you went out they were constantly asking...Aren't you just loving this??  Isn't this time so special??  Isn't this like a dream come true??  By the way, if you are reading this and you ever asked me something like those, don't feel bad!  I think the constant state of exhaustion makes us forget how tough it is in the beginning and we only remember the really good parts--- which is great.  The actual birthing part- hard and painful- but I think its the first few weeks that make me think- oh I can't have another one.....at least not for a bit, right?!?!  Plus, EA is 10 weeks today and I have already found myself saying all of these to others who have had babies since!!!  Its just the way it is I think but I wanted to make sure to write about my difficulty before I forgot it too much.  So, while you nod along and mutter, Yes, this time is amazing...I am just loving it!, know that its ok if that is not what you are really feeling.  So if you are really feeling, No, I am NOT loving this time.  I haven't slept in who knows how long and even if I do sleep, its never longer than a 1 1/2 hour stretch at a time, I am hungry, I smell, she smells and sometimes she cries and I cannot figure out how to stop it!!!!  So no, not really loving this.--- ITS OK!!!  I think at some point, all new moms have felt this!  And I want to tell you this---- It really does get better.  Yes, as soon as you get a routine, it changes but you learn to change with it.  You realize that she is getting enough food and she is getting more efficient in eating so it doesn't take so long!  You start to learn the different cries and maybe you realize that the tends to be fussier at a certain time of day and as long as her needs are met, she may still cry some!  She will start to sleep longer at night and you will even start to get 4 or 5 hour stretches--- which feels like heaven!!!  And don't worry- it will get even longer soon!!!  You learn the things she likes and what she looks like just before she gets too fussy and you can put her down for a nap.  You learn her sleep cues and there is interaction.  You will get smiles and coos and laughs and giggles.  She will do something new every day and it will just delight you.  Then, all of a sudden, you are at week 8 and you realize how much you are loving being a mom---that you have been loving it for awhile.  You try to think back when the change in your attitude happened and you can't remember it.  It is that gradual of a shift- but its a wonderful shift!

All of this to say that motherhood is wonderful--I love it!  It is very hard, especially in the beginning and I just hope this is an encouragement to anyone who may be in those first few weeks and feeling like they just can't do it.  That maybe they weren't cut out to do this, even if it has been a life-long dream.  Its ok to feel the way you do--- it is hard but it will get easier and much, much better!  So, cut yourself a break, order food in and enjoy the snuggle time you get with your little one.